I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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