Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
