so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So much rum. So many feels.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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