I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
