I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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