Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
