God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
