No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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