If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
