So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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