apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize