omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The best revenge is premature balding
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
