You just made me feel so damn special
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
True strength comes from lack of pants
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
