So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Welp...herpes.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
