apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
