I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
