Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
