Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
