are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
