Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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