When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize