The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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