Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
