Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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