Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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