Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
