Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Come on in and take your pants off
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