the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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