I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
