dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
