fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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