yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
