I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
