nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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