I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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