i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
