So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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