u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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