He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
