his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There's always time for handjobs
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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