glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
