one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize