I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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