So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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