last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
