he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
