I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
