I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
They are going to name an STD after you.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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