I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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