a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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