I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
