My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
