I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
