Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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