The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
