can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
