I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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