I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
