do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
