She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
