my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
