Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
