My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
