Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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