Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
